On “Those” Views and Where They Come From

I trust that any shock from events of the weekend of 8/12/17 –wherein white supremacist groups terrorized protestors gathered in a church on Friday night, then wrought mayhem all over Charlottesville, VA, culminating in the death of Heather Hyer, a female protestor– is starting to wear off.  I can confess to not being particularly shocked as I’m old enough to have a father who went to a segregated seminary farther south in VA — Petersburg — in a time where he was still expected to ride at the back of the bus. He also travelled to Mississippi during the summer of 1965, months before my birth, to do voter registration under circumstances that caused him to fear for his life while there. When those events take place in your lifetime, or those of your immediate ancestors, it gives you a certain weariness, but certainly not surprise when it happens again, or when 45 doubles down on his original sympathizer remarks as he did on Tuesday.  Some have aptly likened this to a second period of post-reconstruction.

During and immediately after the period where the US Congress passed the 13th – 15th Amendments (roughly 1865-1877) –freeing slaves, making them citizens, and giving male former slaves the right to vote, respectively– genuine attempts were made to transform the south, including the attempt to set up a free labor economy, but these efforts ended abruptly in 1877 with the election of Rutherford B. Hayes.  Thereafter, Army troops were removed from the South, Democrats returned to power, and with them came the reinstituting of their dominance over former slaves by violence, discrimination and intimidation.

In a somewhat similar pattern, 8 years of a Black man in the White House was marked by his being denounced as illegitimate (under the long debunked theory that President Obama was not a citizen and/or had been born in Kenya), a Republican Congress making every effort to thwart him legislatively, including the slowing of the pace of his judicial nominations, culminating in the refusal to act on his Supreme Court nomination of Merrick Garland, following the death of Antonin Scalia in the spring of 2016. It was also marked by a dramatic rise in the number of white supremacist groups and increased activity by them, with the single highest jump in this century being documented in 2016 and linked to the pledges of then presidential candidate, Donald Trump to build a wall between the U.S. and Mexico, and bar Muslims from entering the country.

Thus, noon on January 20, 2017 signaled the end of 8 years of progressive polices –from the signing of climate change agreements, to the LGBT community achieving marriage equality, to the President signing the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act (focused on closing the gender pay gap), to executive orders barring pay secrecy by federal contractors, to the White House establishing a Policing Commission to focus on vitally needed reforms (in the wake of several highly publicized deaths of Black men and boys at the hands of law enforcement), and significantly ramping up its efforts to combat campus sexual assault and to support efforts by transgender students to be treated in ways consistent with their gender identity (including being able to use public school restrooms consistent with that identity)– including some that were swiftly reversed following the swearing in of the 45th president. Additionally, that President installed as aides in the White House several individuals closely identified with the “alt right,” (or better identified as white supremacists).

Then, there are those pesky monuments that were the excuse the supremacists used for having a rally in Charlottesville. What of them? While they are indeed monuments to the losers in the civil war and an homage to the Confederacy, relatively few of them were built in the immediate wake of the war. Rather,

Decades after the war, advocates of the Lost Cause erected these monuments all over the country to vindicate the Confederacy at the bar of history, erase the central issues of slavery and emancipation from our understanding of the war, and reaffirm a system of state-sanctioned white supremacy.

Put simply, the erection of these Confederate memorials and enforcement of Jim Crow went hand-in-hand. They were intended as a celebration of white supremacy when they were constructed. As recent rallies in Charlottesville and elsewhere illustrate, they are still being used as symbols and rallying points for such hate today.  — President, National Trust for Historic Preservation

Thus, that brings us to the events of last weekend and the rising tide of questions both about James Alex Fields, the white supremacist who man who drove his car into a second car, causing it to plow into a crowd of counter protestors, and about how and where the roiling crop of domestic terrorists were radicalized. I bring to this issue a perspective, that may help shed light: a long time advocate on the issues connected to domestic and sexual violence.

While the last several days’ news has been focused on white supremacists as one type of hate group, domestic violence advocates are familiar with a different type of domestic terrorism: that perpetrated by intimate partners. In fact just last month, an article looking at new data from the Centers for Disease Control announced, “Nearly Half of All Women Are Killed By Romantic Partners.”

One trait shared by perpetrators of both hate crimes and intimate partner violence is toxic masculinity. Thus, crimes of both types play out similarly, espousing ideas that men (or in the instance of one ideology, white men) are superior, and should be in control, and the kind of victim blaming that has surfaced in wake of Heyer’s death.  This ideology is backed up by a willingness on the part of the “believer,” to enforce his (perpetrators are disproportionately, though not exclusively male, as statistics bear out that roughly 85% of survivors of domestic violence are female) beliefs with resort to violence, if he is not “heeded.” Thus and not surprisingly, domestic violence often turns up in the backgrounds of white supremacists like Fields who have carried their beliefs to violent extremes.

Additonally, the Southern Poverty Law Center has written that the so-called alt-right, has been energized by Trump’s misogyny and sexism. The terror that both supremacists and domestic violence perpetrators are willing to wreak on “impacted groups,” also bears much similarity to the violent tactics that southerners used to reinstate themselves atop the racial hierarchy during the post-Reconstruction period: discrimination, intimidation and violence were rampant and continued into the mid-20th century when fire hoses were turned on peaceful marchers in Birmingham and civil rights workers, Cheney, Schwerner and Goodman were kidnapped and murdered in Neshoba County, Mississippi.

The alt-right, then, is connected to the domestic violence movement, not merely because they have in common some misogynistic members who have committed acts of domestic violence, but rather because many men who ultimately find themselves at the alt right/white supremacist end of the spectrum, arrive there via the men’s rights movement (or manosphere), which is a veritable haven for perpetrators of domestic violence, and anti-feminists.  The movements have a number of things in common, including the notion that their adherents are the true victims of oppression.  “[I]f you can convince yourself that men are the primary victims of sexism, it’s not hard to convince yourself that whites are the primary victims of racism.” And in this, “behind the looking glass,” existence, intersectionality stands for the inverted/perverted proposition that white men are the most victimized of all.

It was this misguided sense of victimization by women who denied his date requests that culminated in 22-year-old college student, Elliot Rodger, killing 6 people, then himself on the University of California, Santa Barbara campus in May,  2014.  According to one of several on-line manifestos he left, Rodgers was enraged by his inability to attract/connect with with women, and consequently, targeted “good looking people,” who he viewed as sexually fulfilled in contrast with himself. Described as feeling ostracized once puberty arrived, Rodger sought “pick up artist,” advice from on-line men’s rights sites, and lashed out violently when he was not successful. Rodger’s troubles started before college however, and not only with his inability to connect with the girls he was attracted to, but more generally.  As described by the father of his best friend, he only ever had one friend. He was known as the “weird kid,” at school.

I dwell on Rodger’s disconnectedness not out of idle fascination, but for two reasons: 1) that men’s rights activists attempted to distance themselves from Rodger’s actions, was an implicit acknowledgement of their complicity, and 2) because it’s clear that it happened pretty young, and likely that the internet became his refuge. As the mom of a rising 4th grader, I already see how this disconnect can happen.  My kid’s fellow travelers have warned him that if he keeps eating multiple snacks — on a day when they all had swim lessons, mind you — that he could get fat like another kid. Peer pressure is all too real, and the Obama Administration was rightly focused on tools to help schools help kids in that respect.

I’ve had occasion to tell my son’s school that I simultaneously get that the teaching of social skills is not their job, or primary aim at the same time I urge them to to take it on, nevertheless. To the extent that we –as parents, schools or communities — can better equip kids to communicate with us and with eachother with compassion and empathy, perhaps we can lose less kids to the Wild West of the internet and some of the dark places that are readily accessible there, including the Manosphere. This challenge looms that much larger when you acknowledge that the current occupant of the White House is himself a bully, and will, thus, not be providing the kind of leadership, moral and otherwise that we desperately need on this and other issues.

And finally, we need to figure out ways — tried and true, untried and unknown — to talk to each other:  in schools, churches, communities and any other fora we can devise, to begin bridging the gap that loomed so very large in Charlotsville last weekend.  I commend to your the experience (try googling the TedTalk of Theo E.J. Wilson, if you’re not on FB) of one man, and what he learned when he decided to lurk on some alt-right sites, and what he did with that information.

Also, try this faith based racial unity discussion guide, if that suits you.

Got more ideas, or materials? Send them my way and I’ll include them here.






On Being a Patriot in the Days to Come

Yes, I’m back, though this will be a blog of relatively few words. We’re 6 months into this regime, and still, in too many ways, being bested by a predator/game show host. He has, in too many ways to recount, fueled the id of America. Why go high when you can go low, then lower still?  With this country’s birth — it didn’t liberate us all, it required the genocide of others who were already here  –we need a “we’re all in this boat together now,” moment.
So pause for a moment, and bring to mind whatever issue(s) you find to be of greatest concern for our nation right now.
  • Healthcare?
  • Muslim ban?
  • Climate change?
  • Voter suppression?
  • Backsliding on protecting our kids in schools?
  • Receding from progress re: policing and criminal justice reform?
  • Immigration:  deporting people wantonly and without regard for their safety in their home countries, or valid reasons for remaining here

Did this Joe and Mika mess make anyone’s list? Anyone’s? Then why did many, led by the press, jump right in to condemn, finger wag, judge or simply tsk, tsk the actions of someone we already knew to be morally bankrupt? Because 45 is very good at making folks react to his lowest common denominator behavior.  And while you’re reacting, while he is distracting the press by attacking their own, what isn’t getting air time? What is being deprived of oxygen and attention? The fact that Medicaid is in the crosshairs and 23 million or more stand to lose healthcare? The fact that we still haven’t gotten to the bottom of Russian interference on our most recent election and 45 will shortly be off to meet with Putin?

This July 4th we must all (re)commit to the (re)formation of a more perfect union. In order to do that, our first pledge must be to focus only on what matters, #Ignore45 #Focuson23million #FocusontheMuslimBan Focus on what unites us, what makes us better and stronger as a country. My kid only threw one tantrum in his life: the kind where you throw yourself on the ground and kick up a big fuss. As he started to do so, I stepped over him, walked away and didn’t give him an audience. If you want to take back our country #StarvetheBeast
I wish i could take credit for having come to this moment of enlightenment on my own, but the credit goes to Rachel Maddow who has doggedly been pursuing the facts and starving the beast. Watch at least the first 15 minutes of this show; it’s worth it, trust me.
And here’s an example of refusing to be distracted and pushing forward on an issue that has been discarded or treated disgracefully by this Administration.
These struggles will continue, and the opposition is being headlined by someone who flatly does not care about this country, who is likely using his position to enrich himself and who has created a leadership vacuum.   Remember that nature abhors a vacuum. The choice is yours:  let him fill it with empty combative tweets or you fill it, by keeping the twitter feeds and FB posts and discourse full of substance and your sense of what our priorities, values and policies should be as a nation. Granted, we won’t always agree, but we also won’t be talking about “reality White House,” and that will ensure that we (re)”establish justice and ensure domestic tranquility … for the United States of America.”

Some Quick Kaepernick Thoughts

The Black on Black Crime Argument (September 10th update)

“Black on Black crime.” One of of the many reactions you hear to Colin Kaepernick’s protest.  It implies that Black folks are killing each other, so why are do we have a problem with police behavior. It’s the same analysis that gets folks to trot out that Freddy Brown or Alton Sterling had rap sheets, as if their criminality could justify happened to them. What Black folks are complaining about — though partially brutality, and excessive force etc. — is extrajudicial execution, that is the killing of someone whose guilt has not been determined.

Whether or not I kill my neighbor and regardless of his/her race, the state is not empowered to kill me when there has been no finding of guilt on my part. It’s 2016, people.  This is not Dodge City.  You don’t, “Hang ’em High,” without a judge and jury weighing in. There are several problems here: 1)Black on Black crime does not involve the power of the state, or differently described, the actions of people who are sworn to protect and serve all, 2) whites are responsible for most crimes committed against whites just as Blacks are responsible for most crimes committed against Blacks, and yet, only Black folks find themselves being harmed by law enforcement in disparate numbers; 3) the state can’t perform to a lower standard because of crime in my neighborhood.  Said differently, everyone should be treated equally by law enforcement, including the presumption of innocence.  And yet, time and time again, we hear stories of police engaging in racial profiling.; and 4) Finally, law enforcement can’t perform to a lower standard with respect to crimes I am alleged to have committed, but for which I have not been arrested, much less charged, tried and found guilty. Then there’s the fact that the even if extrajudicial execution was ok, Black folks are not infrequently killed for stuff that wasn’t a crime to begin with, e.g. Sandra Bland (which was the great crime, the traffic stop or the failure to put out the cigarette).

So please, rather than looking for reasons not to examine the legitimacy of the Kaepernick protest, take at least as much time to look at why he’s (and others) protesting, as you do to try to find ways to dismiss it.

September 5, 2016



As I say often of late, I write less and less frequently because I feel like I’ve said it already … this is no exception, but I am going to connect something I said recently to the debate/discussion around Kaepernick and whether folks support him or not.  I am also going to start with this question:  what are YOU doing to make things better?

In recent days, I’ve seen people I’ve known for a long time posting comments that cops have made “telling Kaepernick like it is,” (my characterization) about how tough their jobs are, how they put it on the line every day and are just trying to make it home. Another post was linked to a video where Kaepernick was called a whiner, or asked why he chose now to start protesting. Neither those earnest posts from the cops, nor from the folks that share them acknowledge that Kaepernick has a point. He plays for San Francisco, a team located in a city where more than once in the last several years, the it’s come out that some SF PD cops are using racially biased and homophobic language to describe the folks they’re supposed to be protecting and serving.  Plus, meanwhile, at the other end of the Bay Bridge in Oakland, nearly 30 law enforcement officers have been implicated for assaulting a sex worker, who was a minor during the time that some of these encounters occurred. And the police unions are negotiating contracts that make cops less rather than more accountable. These incidents might be enough for Kaepernick to protest were it not for the deaths of people of color who have been stopped and/or detained by the police across the country. But the folks who are going after Kaepernick and burning his jersey seem oblivious or not interested in why he’s protesting, or if they are, that never comes up in their responses.  My simple question is this:  is your problem with how he is protesting or the fact that he’s protesting? Because every single time I point out that it would be helpful if the cops who are complaining about Kaepernick took a look at the misdeeds of their fellow travelers in blue, I get silence … #crickets. So I ask again, Kaepernick critics, what are YOU doing?   Because your silence worries me.  It makes me worry that you aren’t responding because you’re perfectly fine with the way things are, with dismissing Kaepernick and not examining why he is protesting.  If so, there’s a name for your reaction, “change back.”

Change back is what happens when someone raises a concern or issue, and someone else pushes back because they are used to the relationship the way it is. It’s what happens when you tell your parent their belittling you is hurtful and they say, “get over it,” or accuse you of being thin-skinned. [Note:  This wisdom comes from my “book shrink,” Harriet Lerner, author of the “Dance of … ” series of books]. Pushing back on Kaepernick without asking yourself how you will work to address the fact that this country has policing problems, and that many of those problems disproportionately affect people of color  It is also what happens when people say #Black Lives Matter, and are greeted by #AllLivesMatter.  As a woman raising a boy of color, it seems to me that only those who don’t have to teach their sons to fear law enforcement could embrace #All Lives.  Because #All Lives is already true for them. Thus, it makes it difficult for them to see that what Black Lives Matter means, on many levels, is “Black Lives Matter, TOO” versus “Black Lives Matter MORE,” which is a common misunderstanding.  Thus, they might respond, “Black Lives Matter is … divisive, or anti-law enforcement, etc.”

2016-09-02 12.31.25


So, I have no problem whatsoever if folks object to how Kaepernick has chosen to protest.  But, if at this point, you still don’t get that there’s a need for some kind of protest (as these UCSF doctors and nurses,  kids of color, and US Soccer player Megan Rapinoe have), and if you’re not in a position to answer the what are YOU doing question, then please do something to change that, please decide to be part of the solution.  I say to people frequently these days, as my 8 y.o. brown-skinned boy goes through growth spurts, that it feels like Logan’s Run.  People may still call Ryan Lochte a kid, or boyish in his 30’s, but 12 y.o. Tamir Rice did not get that benefit. Neither did an African American clinical psychologist lying on the ground with his hands in the air get the benefit of the doubt. And I fear that time is running out for my boy as well, that the amount of time that his boyishness will protect him is waning rapidly. I fear that by the time he’s 10 or 11, his light will start flashing.












Of Bathrooms and Boogey(wo)men

By any reckoning, these are strange times … we  have a reality tv star, appealing to people’s basest instincts, and yet winning the race for the Republican presidential nomination.  The guy who recently dropped out, had already picked a running mate, though –on that, PLEASE see Charles Blow’s reaction, if you have not, already–that privilege is usually left to someone who has already won the nomination.  Maybe privilege is the submerged issue of our times … so much is affected by it, yet we spend precious little time identifying it, much less calling it out.

That brings me to the other thing we seem to be talking and posting about too much lately.  And by that I mean: 1) North Korea is testing missiles, 2) almost every day, there is another natural disaster or act of terrorism to confront, 3) we have a massive drug heroin addiction/abuse problem in this country, and the identification of it as a public health problem and approach to solving it could not be more different than was the case with the crack epidemic (are we talking about why that is?!?!?)  and yet, in downtown America, we are inordinately preoccupied with who’s in the “wrong,” bathroom and peeing in the stall next door. To say that our priorities are misplaced is to make an understatement of near epic proportions.

Predictably, we are starting to see stories (some real, some not) about bathroom policing.  As predictably, perhaps, the self-appointed policers are getting it wrong, and crossing the very  boundaries “we claim,” –in this regard, I am not among the we, and I am also concerned that there is daylight between what has been identified as the problem, and what the very real and scary agenda is– to not want breached.  Let’s unpack further here:  law enforcement does not always, “police,” well . When the public’s bias fueled fears get the best of them –particularly in a society where guns are fairly readily available — people get hurt or killed. See, Trayvon Martin, Renisha McBride, or this article about a guy shot dead in church— this same phenomenon is starting to crop up in bathrooms.  In the first legit report we have, some guy bursts into a bathroom on a woman he thinks doesn’t belong there … let me repeat, a guy takes it upon himself to enter the women’s room to question someone who is in fact a woman about her presence there … Sooo, in addition to men dressed as women in the bathroom, we now have to contend with men who –1) are … protecting us?  (did we request protection?), 2)who have no more right to be in there than the hetero men they claim are in there pretending to be trans women –in the women’s room.  Does this mean that I should now feel empowered to pursue “suspicious looking,” men into the the men’s room? Does this illogical craziness have any logical end? And does this do anything to solve the legit fear I have of sending my boy child into the men’s room alone lest their be child predators in there?

So, anyone who’s met me knows a few things:  1) i have a very deep voice for a woman; 2) i am somewhat androgynous looking, particularly when my hair is shorter.  To that list, let me add a few more facts, 1) i get called, “sir,” on the phone A LOT when I, for instance, call customer service for my utilities or credit cards; 2) fact #1 means that because i would rather not deal with being called, “sir,” for the millionth time, i avoid making such calls where I can and I have a raft of self-deprecating jokes to quell the customer service folks’ paranoia. Frankly, I shouldn’t have to make jokes at my own expense to check on a charge to my credit card, but there it is. That brings us to fact 3)  i have been visited by the “bathroom police.”  Twice, in fact.

The first policing incident occurred in a bathroom (natch!) in Williamsburg, VA. After hearing me trying to coax my then 4 year-old into using an auto-flush toilet (at nearly 8, he still hates them!) at  Busch Gardens, some women’s room fellow traveller took it upon herself to report me to park security.  I was apprised of this fact as I was just about to prevail in my persuasions, and was interrupted by a knock on the stall door.  In response to knock, I said, “Yes,” in my normal tenor voice, and was informed that I was in the women’s room.  I answered, “and you’re telling me this because … ” I have to hand it to the somewhat flummoxed security person, who fairly apparently, had never had to do an “intervention,” like this one. They handled it as tactfully as they could. Next, they sought to inform me that the park had family restrooms whereupon I — wanting to wrap up my bathroom business with no further interruptions — offered to show the guard my c. section scar, if s/he wanted to wait around.  S/he did not, but did let me know that they were responding to a report. Is this really the road we want to go down, folks? Is this gonna keep up until I or someone else is actually going to have to pony up evidence that we are in the “right,”  restroom, or can we just take a step back and realize that these laws aren’t solving any problems, nor are they creating them.  That is, any guy who was gonna try to dress up like a woman and go into the women’s room was doing that before the law, and didn’t need its permission to do so.  Similarly, there are no stories of trans women doing anything other that using the toilet and fixing their make-up (if they use it) in the women’s room, so there is no problem to fix.

As it turned out, I had a second “bathroom police,” encounter at the end of the same vacation … only in Virginia, or North Carolina, I guess. Alex and I were starting our drive home and stopped for gas in Hampton, VA.  It was an older gas station, and the “one holer,” bathroom had a door that was swollen from the humidity, so it while the door was closed, you couldn’t get it to lock. It was mid-day and mid-week, and I was anxious to get on the road to avoid bad traffic close to home. Alex was having none of that and was dithering around, so I nudged him toward the toilet with my knee.  He jerked away, causing the not well enough bolted toilet to move a bit … remember I mentioned that he doesn’t l like auto-flush toilets .. he wasn’t wild about a moving toilet either, and started to howl.  At this point, I was pretty much done:  I spun him around, sat him on the toilet and said, “would you please PEE,” then withdrew, folded my arms and leaned on the sink.  Seconds later, the door flew open and a guy stuck his head in, presumably to check on noisy Alex.  Seeing me leaning on the sink, he intoned, “oh, my bad …,” then left. I was not entirely sure what had just happened, but got Alex cleaned up, and we headed out to the car.  When we passed the counter, the two sister friends at the cash register outed themselves as the reason that the guy had burst in:  “we’re sorry, we heard the baby.”  In the anti-violence world, what happened to us was what we call, “bystander intervention.”  Someone thought Alex was in trouble and sent someone in to check on him … Do I love having someone burst into the bathroom on us? Of course, not, but am I totally cool with the fact that it happened because someone had a legit reason to think a kid might have been in trouble? I 100% am.

Let’s review:  in my first story, I got hassled in a bathroom because I am a woman with a deep voice. If it happened to me before the passage of the NC law, what do you think would happen if the NC law was not about to get put on ice — note:  the US Department of Justice sued NC today to get them to rescind the law as parts of it violate Title VII (bars employment discrim. based on sex), Title IX (requires equal access on the basis of sex of all schools receiving federal funding), and provisions in the Violence Against Women Act that bar discrimination based on, among other things, gender identity.

Two points in closing, no one needed a new law to either: 1) knock on my stall door when they thought a guy was in the women’s room or, 2) burst into the restroom when they thought my kid was in danger. BUT, if my privacy was — however occasionally — getting invaded before the passage of such laws, how much more frequently would the passage of these crazy laws in NC and MS (so far) mean that I and a whole lot of other CIS and trans folks minding their own business would have to deal with self-appointed bathroom police barging into the women’s room at will.  Cuz seriously, I don’t want to encounter the bathroom version of a George Zimmerman who, I assure you, is out there and armed and will tell the cops, when someone starts to beat him up once he accosts them, that he was in fear for his life, which is why he shot them.  Because that, I assure you, is where this will end up.



We Say Black Lives Matter [AGAIN] because …. It’s Groundhog Day

Back for more:  July 15, 2016

I wanted to further update my post after having had a chance to listen to both the remarks of both Presidents Obama and Bush at the Dallas memorial service.  Some have extolled Pres. Obama’s remarks, while others have found them to be political, and I wanted to hear for myself.

Some of my friends who are current or former law enforcement, or close to folks in those communities felt like what President Obama said was too political in some regards. As he spoke, the President was flanked by two Dallas officers, both white, one male and one female.  The male officer mostly applauded politely, but really seemed to connect with the President when he said (at minute 11:25) that the killing of the 5 Dallas officers was, “an act not just of demented violence, but of racial hatred …”   I hope that with time, we will all come to understand that that feeling alluded to by the President, and articulated by me here: “They hate us; they are targeting us for who we are,” is how many Black folks feel when they learn of the death of another Black person in a traffic stop, while fleeing law enforcement — which as I have previously pointed out, is a sane act of self preservation, given how frequently things go awry once you get stopped — or in custody. The same is true for my LatinX peeps, and my Native peeps. It was that feeling of being under siege again — I belive, anyway — that caused the Dallas shooter to act.  I don’t condone his actions, obviously, but I am stressing that what he did was a direct consequence of what he saw happen earlier that week in Louisiana and Minnesota. That is thread that ties all three places together and that is why the President spoke as he did, and rightly so, in my opinion.

I’m going to close this out with excerpts of the end of President Bush’s remarks.  He was speaking directly to the families of the 5 Dallas officers, but could have, as I excerpt them, have been speaking to the Sterling and Castille families as well.  However we go forward from this, let us try to be aware that all 7 families suffered grievous and irreparable loss last week.

President Bush:  “Your loved one’s time with you was too short.  They did not get a chance to properly say goodbye.  … Your loss is unfair; we cannot explain it …We can stand beside you, and pray that God will comfort you with a hope deeper than sorrow and stronger than death.”

Ground Hog’s Day edition July 12, 2016:

I often find it hard to write at moments like these because there is precious little to say that I haven’t said already.  It’s true today, but I want to reflect on a few articles that I’ve seen because they are evidence of a dangerous reaction to the events of the last week. There’s this one about the Kansas cop who threatened a little black girl who he does not know and got fired, there’s this one  about the Columbia fire dept. captain who got fired for threatening BLM protestors, and this one about law enforcement walking off the job because the MN Lynx, the WNBA team, wore t-shirts that demanded justice for all that transpired last week: the deaths of the Dallas police officers AND the deaths of 2 black men at the hands of law enforcement. And finally, there’s this:  Rudolph Giuliani thought privacy was an appropriate response for his daughter’s run-in with law enforcement, but had the temerity to be all over the air waves this week lecturing people of color about how to raise their children.

I have a “book shrink.” A family psychotherapist whose books and wisdom I turn to frequently (Harriet Lerner, author of the “Dance of … ” series of books)  She has a name for the situations that are described above: “change back.”  Change back is what happens when you raise a concern or issue, and someone else pushes back because they are used to the relationship the way it is.  It’s what happens when you tell your parent their belittling you is hurtful and they say, “get over it,” or accuse you of being thin-skinned.  It is also what happens when people say #Black Lives Matter, and are greeted by #AllLivesMatter.  Face it:  only those who don’t have to teach their sons to fear law enforcement could embrace #All Lives.  Because #All Lives is already true for them. Thus, it makes it difficult for them to see what Black Lives Matter means, on many levels, is “Black Lives Matter, TOO” versus “Black Lives Matter MORE,” which is a common misunderstanding.  Thus, they might respond, “Black Lives Matter is … divisive, or anti-law enforcement, etc.”

I continue to be in the posture that I talk about below: #All Lives is aspirational.  We are not there. Nor can we get to where we want to be: a society that equally values the lives and perspectives of all, whether Black  folks, or others of color, LGBT people, law enforcement, people of different political perspectives, or women without doing the hard work that I have seen start on social media in the last week.  Of course, that begs the question of whether the perspective I just described is something that we all subscribe to. Frankly, I think it’s harder for some than others to wrap their heads and hearts around … I’ve seen it said that when one enjoys a position of privilege, then being challenged, or ceding ground to the demands of others for equality can feel like a loss.  Let’s be frank for a moment:  in this country, law enforcement has enjoyed a position of privilege. They have also put themselves in harm’s way daily, and had to consistently deal with people at their worst.  That said, the privilege has been abused by some.  A few examples include: 1) the detaining and lengthy questioning of Philando Castile’s girlfriend; 2) the widespread use of stop and frisk policies in communities of color; 3) the preying on vulnerable citizens, as Oakland police did when several sexually assaulted a 16 y.o. sex worker, or as Daniel Holtzclaw did when he made poor Black women with criminal infractions that he blackmailed them with submit to sexual assault, and 4) see additional stories below.

When a group has not been historically subjected to the demands for accountability that the BLM movement makes on law enforcement is hit with such, the result is, “change back,” behavior. Change back is not easy, it is not pretty, but it gives people committed to a process something to work with because at least you pretty much know where you stand.  Please don’t stand on the sidelines.  There is much work to be done. Self educate, show up and be an ally  (and don’t let the title of this article throw you). Our kids deserve better:  we need to give them a world better than the one we inherited, after all, our parents did that for us.


October 2015

Prologue:  I started this post about a month ago, then got busy.  I am prompted to post it now because of a video that went viral yesterday when a school resource office in South Carolina high school threw a young Black woman out of her chair then dragged her across her classroom for what, I’m not entirely sure.  It is pretty clear that she was putting up zero resistance to the cop, so that his reaction was about 50 clicks past overblown. In one account, a young woman who witnessed what happened said that the resource officer was called because the young woman in question was not participating in class.  My first thought was that in watching this supposed officer (not worthy of the badge, and previously sued twice federally) mistreat this young woman so callously, it is entirely clear how Freddie Gray ended up dead in Baltimore.  Neither was treated as if they had any rights, any dignity any personhood worthy of respect.  My second thought was that all my FB friends, the ones who periodically post about “All Lives,” or “Cops Lives,” mattering have gone to ground … <<crickets>>  It’s probably too much to hope that they have shed those sentiments altogether, but perhaps this video has helped nudge them along.


We’ve been at this for a year or more … a year if you count back to Michael Brown’s death, more like 3 if you reach back to the murders of Trayvon Martin and Jordan Davis.

The more there were protests and marches and die-ins, and challenging of political candidates, the more widely we saw the use of the term that describes the movement, “Black Lives Matter.” Increasingly, but particularly in the last month, following the murders of several law enforcement officers, I’ve seen an increased use –judging solely by the very subjective measure that is my Facebook feed, and the responses of some politicians — of “All Lives Matter,” or perhaps, “Cops Lives Matter.” I want to take a moment to talk about why it’s important to say that “Black Lives Matter,” and why everyone should be able to get behind that.

I think this article tells the story very well. In short: 1) a Black woman who’d been taken into custody (context is not shared in the article) expresses her belief that the arresting officers think less of her, and think that she is an animal because of her race.  She says she will sue the department for discrimination; 2) one of the arresting officers attempts to tell his supervisor what transpired during the arrest, including what the arrestee said; 3) he’s interrupted by his boss, who opines that Black people are, in fact animals, and begins imitating a monkey, saying “that’s what they deserve,” (no explanation is offered for what he meant, but in this context, it’s fairly clearly nothing good) and singing, “Look Away Dixieland,” which is regarded by some as the anthem of the Confederacy; 4) the officer is bothered by the behavior, and later expresses his intent to file a complaint against the chief to a second officer who also witnessed the chief’s behavior. The second officer agrees to join in the filing of the complaint; 5) the two officers let their sergeant know about their intent to filed the complaint, and he initially says nothing.  He later tells them that he doesn’t think that anything will come of filing the complaint and says several times that he thinks that the city will make life hell for them if they file the complaint.  The officer indicates in his complaint that in his view, the sergeant was trying to dissuade them from filing the complaint.  6) the complaint is filed; 7) the chief decides to retire before the investigation is concluded; 8) the city council permits this, and the 9) the mayor expresses the community’s gratitude for a job well done upon the chief’s retirement.

A few things bear pointing out here: lest you think that the chief’s behavior was unusual,or isolated, I share this article about 7 racist e-mails shared among members of the Ferguson Police Department and highlighted in a report issued by the Civil Rights Division of the U.S. Department of Justice. Note that one of the e-mails compared President Obama to a chimpanzee.  What was remarkable in this situation was the determination of not one but two officers to do something about the chief’s behavior.  The sergeant’s response to the two officers — silence, initially reluctance to get involved, attempts to dissuade them from filing — are much more consistent with what some call the “blue wall of silence,” where law enforcement officers maybe afraid to come forward for all the reasons that are apparent in this situation:  1) the racism is coming from a superior; 2) other superiors are trying to keep them from filing a complaint and 3) they endure harassment after filing the complaint.  In this instance, one of the complaining officers indicates that he has faced retaliation, that his wife has been forced off the road several times and that people in the community have yelled racial epithets at him.

In this instance, the question of whether the Black woman suffered any discrimination at the time of her arrest– from the author’s perspective, anyway — is far less concerning than the 4 instances where her concerns and her person were demeaned or dismissed, with multiple layers of state personnel:  the police sgt., the city council and the mayor doing nothing to hold the chief accountable, and in the instance of the city council and mayor, basically letting him off the hook with a pension and a “thank you.”  Clatskanie, Oregon where this story takes place is not a model of diversity: non-white races combined total less that 10 percent of the population.  However, it’s about 60 miles from Portland, so not in the middle of nowhere … not that being in the middle of nowhere should excuse either the chief’s actions, of the subsequent inaction of the sgt., the city council and the mayor.

I told a friend of mine the other day that, “All Lives Matter,” was an aspirational statement and that it in no way reflected my reality.  Stories like this explain what I mean by that:  An “All Lives Matter,” world is one where the arrestee’s complaint is investigated, and not dismissed or mocked, much less in overtly racial ways.  An “All Lives Matter,” world is one where the officers who file a complaint against their chief are given support from their immediate supervisor (note: the officers who filed the complaint say they did not receive any assistance from their immediate superior, and that they felt that his several statements the the city would make their lives hell should they choose to file were intended to dissuade them from doing so).  In an, “All Lives Matter,” world, law enforcement officers are not penalized, harassed, threatened or worse, for doing what I hope we can all agree is the right thing: calling out the bias that infects their workplace. (See also this piece re:  NYPD officers’ complaints that they were retaliated against after refusing to meet ticket quotas in of color neighborhoods, and in which one officer alleges that he was told that the Puerto Rican residents who lived within the precinct where he worked were animals.)

To sum up, we say #BlackLivesMatter, not because we don’t believe that all lives should matter, but because we know that not only is that not the case everywhere, but also that some workplaces are stuck because their leadership does not believe that, “All Lives Matter.”  My point is simply and unapologetically  this:  if you are a first responder, and you don’t believe that all lives matter (see also, this story re: a racist fire chief), either be prepared to leave that attitude  in  the  parking lot when you come to work or get another freakin’ job.  Because you are not more entitled to your job than I am to be treated with simple human dignity.

On Mass Shootings, Mental Illness and More …

Crazy is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results. Every time there is a mass shooting — and what kind of country is this where this sentence rolls easily off the page and reader’s back because such shootings are ridiculously commonplace — we start talking about people with mental health challenges. As a practical matter, we can be but so concerned because all we ever do is talk.  No proposals materialize:  not in response to the mass killings or in response to the many times that someone who has mental health challenges ends up dead after an encounter with law enforcement (see, e.g. the cases of Natasha McKenna and Michelle Cusseaux).

This cycle of dismissing mass shooting episodes as the work of people with mental illness is both dangerous and wrong.  It’s wrong because even as we dig further into a particular shooter’s background and discover that they did not have mental health challenges AND that there were motivations for the shootings, we don’t go back and correct the narrative. Neither do we dig deeper to find that typically, the perpetrators of these crimes are disaffected white males who feel wronged by a particular group of people (Elliot Roger blamed women who were not interested in him socially, Dylann Roof professed to want to start a race war), and therein lies the danger:  we repeat this syndrome where we act as if the tragedy resulted from the “one off,” action of someone with mental health concerns, and in so doing, we absolve ourselves of the responsibility to make guns less available, generally, and to challenge the dangerous and problematic notions of masculinity that often underlie mass shootings.

So, let’s change the narrative.  Let’s stop repeatedly going to a place of assuming some psychosis on the part of the shooter.  I spent a lot of time in a psychiatric facility when I was growing up:  my dad worked there, my mom volunteered there twice a week, and when I was not in school, that’s where I spent my Tuesday and Wednesday afternoons alongside my mom. There was one building that housed the “criminally insane.”  John Hinckley lived there for years.  But, there were many other buildings.  Translation:  the proportion of people with mental health issues who act out violently is a lot lower than we are led to conclude every time a mass shooting happens, and this baseless speculation about the shooter’s mental health begins anew.  We stigmatize without basis a bunch of folks who are already the subject of too much of it.  We must BE better.  We must DO better.  That means that if our mental health system needs improving — which it surely does — we need to do more than talk about it every time a mass casualty event happens, then let drop as it drops from the front pages of our newspapers or the lead stories on our favorite on-line reads. It also means that we have to do far more about the masculinity culture, and about the guns — have you noticed how many mass shooters have posted or taken pics of themselves with their guns beforehand. Not at a shooting range — as friends of mine have been known to do — but out in public somewhere or in their homes or in places that bespeak some kind of dangerous preoccupation.

When these events happen, and there is no response — beyond acknowledging that they have happened again— we subscribe to the doctrine of acceptable loss. Meaning it’s not a question of whether such tragedies will happen again, but when they will. Given the proliferation of guns and the zero percent likelihood that anything our government could or would be willing to do would begin with retrieving guns that people already had — unless they were in illegal possession, e.g. a domestic violence abuser who a court had determined should surrender his/her firearms — we must acknowledge that this tragedy will happen again.  But, if we can pursue strategies that would make this less likely to happen or make it more likely that interventions could be pursued before they did, I don’t see how we can’t opt for that.  Seriously. More doing nothing means waiting for another tragedy.  Are you ok with that outcome?  Because I know I’m not.

A Few Thoughts on Baltimore …

So, it’s been a little bit since I blogged … rest assured, my agitating continues in ways both big and small, as I was reminded recently when Alex asked where biracial people sat on the bus during segregation!

A few things have moved me to write today. One, I was asked by a friend what I thought of the video that’s making the rounds … the one where the Black mom is giving her son — who appears to have been out in Baltimore up to no good … and I say this because her son is wearing a ski mask — a hard time and dragging him away. As someone who grew up in a “spare the rod, spoil the child,” culture but, who grew up to be a domestic/sexual violence advocate, I see both sides … should she have given him a hard time? Yes. Did she need to be smacking him in order to get her point across? Maybe, maybe not … But I have the same caution on this mom’s reaction that I have on the Baltimore issue, writ large:  All I know about this woman is what I saw on the video. Sister Helen Prejan of “Dead Man Walking,” reminds us that none of us is merely our worst moment (and she was talking about death row inmates at that point). I’m a single mom. I don’t hit my kid. And, I take him to peaceful protests … If I saw him out there — and he is going to grow up to be a black man who is over 6′, God willing — behaving recklessly, and foolishly in a way that endangered him and was unlikely to bring about change, I would go after him. Whether I’d be sane and non-violent or start with, “ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!?!?!, and go on from there depends on the circumstances. Given that none of us (I presume) truly knows that woman’s circumstances, I would suggest that we are not in a position to judge, nor should we speculate. 

I have, predictably, been chatting up friends and friends of friends about Baltimore today.  I started out by tweeting NPR, though.  NPR had rather shallowly assessed that the Baltimore riots arose solely in response to Freddie Gray’s death, so I tried (in 160 characters or less) to set the record straight.

The bottom line, though, is this … this issue is complicated.  It’s not just about Freddie Gray and what happened to him, or the reactions of some fringe folks who burned a CVS,  it’s also about who was deemed important (the O’s fans who were told to shelter in place when the first unrest broke out on Saturday), what they deemed unimportant (at least the ones who were chanting “we don’t care,” in response to protestors walking by chanting, “Black Lives Matter,”) and what people do out of hopelessness born from years of societal neglect or indifference to their declining opportunities and standard of living.

It’s also about putting aside our own privilege and no longer making excuses when cops go berserk.  I have spent a lot of time until now talking about the fact that there are good cops (I still believe this), and the fact that I have cops (both city and federal) in my family.  But no one of good conscience should be making excuses for either what happened to Freddie Gray or the stunning lack of humanity that led the cops to ignore his need for medical assistance thereafter. In case you are still of a mind to cut the cops a break, let me give you a rundown of a facebook conversation I had earlier. A friend posted about the futility of resorting to violence to protest the cops’ violence. A friend of his posted a link to something that was allegedly Freddie Gray’s rap sheet.  I tried to point out that regardless of what Gray had done, he didn’t deserve to have his spine severed.  I was met with comments like, “Don’t act like an a**hole, and you won’t be treated like one.”  Herein lies a very common strand of reactions to cases like these, “well, if he hadn’t been doing anything wrong …” This, in my line of a work as a domestic/sexual violence advocate, is called victim-blaming.  It’s what happens when Michael Brown (or Trayvon Martin) leaves home to walk to the store, and doesn’t come back … then folks start trotting out their rap sheets to justify their murders, as if their rap sheets were in any way known to their assailants, or could by any stretch justify an extrajudicial execution.

But let’s return to the “don’t act like an a**hole,” line of argument.  Again, this is designed to suggest that the person who ended up dead did something to bring it upon him/herself … was this true of a 130 lb. woman in a cell by herself, in handcuffs and shackles who was tasered to death by Fairfax County police? Was it true of John Crawford who was shot to death in Walmart while holding a toy gun and talking on the phone?  The bottom line is this:  until we start holding law enforcement responsible for their excesses starting with the deaths that occur when people are fleeing — seriously? with the excess of law enforcement driven homicide on display in any given week, fleeing is actually an act of self-preservation, even if it ends up not serving that purpose–we will not begin to dig into the many thorny issues presented by the Baltimore unrest, nor we be able to get close enough to standing in the locals’ shoes to understand how angry outbursts in the face of callous indifference might be an appropriate response. 

I want to end by pointing out that as “victim blamers,” we can sometimes be as good about indicting the living as indicting the dead.  That is what happens when folks deflect the need to have that very uncomfortable conversation about privilege –i.e. the “we don’t care” ability to ignore what is happening to others — and lawless law enforcement by pointing to the fact that some segment of folks are looting, or rioting, etc. The rioting followed an inexplicable homicide.  Scores of them actually … and does not lessen our moral obligation to work like hell to insure that these things stop happening … so stop deflecting, stop victim blaming. Get in there and do the work. Feed the kids of Baltimore who rely on free lunches but did not get one today because their schools were closed.  Volunteer to be trained as a legal observer. Figure out where the next protest is and show up.  SHOW. UP.  It’s time for us all to do that.